Woke up at ..not even the crack of dawn, but like 3:30AM, and started to get ready.. Didn't have a chance to eat anything, so just grabbed some crackers and dipped. Dad picked me up and we drove up to Sausalito. Took 2 bonine that basically did NOTHING for me. Got to the yacht harbor and boarded. Left at bout 5:30AM, and it was just downhill once we got to sea. The boat stopped for a bit and I could feel the waves and shit, so I walked outside to yack. Sat down then yacked again. That pretty much went on four times for a good hour.. And afterwards, someone gave me a pill for nausea and vomiting and it knocked me the fuck out for a good few hours. Woke up, yacked again... and that nice little cycle happened another four times.
EIGHT TIMES IN ONE DAY.
I caught no fish.
My dad caught no fish.
I am never going fishing ever again in my life.
"Well if my daughter can't do this, I guess I'll just have to take my son-in-law."
I'm never getting married, either.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
SHOWER EPIPHANIES
I'm sure I'm not the only person who has these...
Anyways, todays shower epiphany was relationships. My fuckin' favorite... SIKE. I fucking hate thinking about relationships to be honest. Being in one ain't too bad (most of the time), but thinking about it.. Blah.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend, and relationships came up in conversation. I'm fucking bitter right now. Extremely bitter. Bitter, and have been for the past week or so.. Probably longer than that, but from what I remember clearly, the past week. I basically said fuck it all, relationships are basically overflows of emotion and wastes of money. Ain't that the truth though?
That definitely was not my shower epiphany, but it really does help connect everything together, in my opinion. So here goes nothing!
I basically thought to myself that society makes us believe that a "perfect" relationship consists of many things. Among those things are: men paying for every single thing, random and unexpected gifts, and pretty much the royal fuckin' treatment. Now, that all sounds great. That sounds absolutely amazing. Realistically speaking though, it ends up fading away. The flowers, chocolates and gifts slowly dwindle away over time. Why? Because the chase is over.
The chase is not only before the relationship happens. It's not only before the relationship is official or exclusive. It happens in the beginning of all relationships. The chase occurs so that the guy has a hold on the girl. Eventually, her heart belongs to him, and his to her. As people grow, it's not about the gifts, the money, or the showiness of the relationship. It's about how people connect with one another. It's about how people get along, and where their happiness combine to form love.
I mean sure, I love receiving gifts. Who doesn't? I don't feel that they're essential to a relationship, though. It's trust and love that matters. Trust, love, happiness, and commitment. Isn't that what a relationship is about? Since when did material things and money come into play in all that business?
Anyways, I probably just reminisce a little too much. I do think about my future all the time. When I consider it, I realize that these little things like the gifts and the meals aren't gonna matter in the future. They seem so significant right now, but eventually they'll all be forgotten. It's important to live in the moment, but it's also important to consider the future. When I'm married and our bank accounts are basically joined, why would it matter who's paying for dinner? Why would it matter who's buying who the gifts? It all comes from the same damn place.
Anyways the conclusion of my little epiphany pretty much goes like this:
The material things won't matter in the future, don't let them matter now and ruin worthwhile relationships.
Anyways, todays shower epiphany was relationships. My fuckin' favorite... SIKE. I fucking hate thinking about relationships to be honest. Being in one ain't too bad (most of the time), but thinking about it.. Blah.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend, and relationships came up in conversation. I'm fucking bitter right now. Extremely bitter. Bitter, and have been for the past week or so.. Probably longer than that, but from what I remember clearly, the past week. I basically said fuck it all, relationships are basically overflows of emotion and wastes of money. Ain't that the truth though?
That definitely was not my shower epiphany, but it really does help connect everything together, in my opinion. So here goes nothing!
I basically thought to myself that society makes us believe that a "perfect" relationship consists of many things. Among those things are: men paying for every single thing, random and unexpected gifts, and pretty much the royal fuckin' treatment. Now, that all sounds great. That sounds absolutely amazing. Realistically speaking though, it ends up fading away. The flowers, chocolates and gifts slowly dwindle away over time. Why? Because the chase is over.
The chase is not only before the relationship happens. It's not only before the relationship is official or exclusive. It happens in the beginning of all relationships. The chase occurs so that the guy has a hold on the girl. Eventually, her heart belongs to him, and his to her. As people grow, it's not about the gifts, the money, or the showiness of the relationship. It's about how people connect with one another. It's about how people get along, and where their happiness combine to form love.
I mean sure, I love receiving gifts. Who doesn't? I don't feel that they're essential to a relationship, though. It's trust and love that matters. Trust, love, happiness, and commitment. Isn't that what a relationship is about? Since when did material things and money come into play in all that business?
Anyways, I probably just reminisce a little too much. I do think about my future all the time. When I consider it, I realize that these little things like the gifts and the meals aren't gonna matter in the future. They seem so significant right now, but eventually they'll all be forgotten. It's important to live in the moment, but it's also important to consider the future. When I'm married and our bank accounts are basically joined, why would it matter who's paying for dinner? Why would it matter who's buying who the gifts? It all comes from the same damn place.
Anyways the conclusion of my little epiphany pretty much goes like this:
The material things won't matter in the future, don't let them matter now and ruin worthwhile relationships.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
smart
I may not be patient and consistently objective, but I am smart. I know what's going on. I know how to view things in 360. So what if I'm subjective, and my feelings get the best of me sometimes? I'm human. What kind of person would I be if I didn't hurt every once in a while? It sucks. It's hard to be hopeful when I'm hurting.
At least I have a good understanding of what's going on. I can be independent and I can tell myself exactly what I need to hear. I won't tell myself that life doesn't go on, and that I need somebody to make me happy. It's a nice thought, but it's not the truth. Why lie to myself? Things WILL be ok.
Sure, I'm not feeling too great right now. It sucks to be alone and by myself, because I start crying. I feel like I'm losing hope, and I cannot do that. If I lose hope, I'm giving up on myself. Never will I give up on myself because I have no reason to. I have so much going for me. I am smart, pretty, and I have a kind heart. I have a wonderful family, and my friends are inferior to none. I failed myself in high school, so I put myself together on my own and got through community college to go to the top public university in the country.
I have never been more proud of myself than I was when I opened my application and it said congratulations. So what if I have a couple of unstable emotional breakdowns? Life fucking goes on. It's not all about the emotions. It's about the shit I can accomplish on my own, and how I go about doing everything.
I'm letting the world know I'm a broken fucking mess right now. Why not? I don't need pity or anything, but I like to have it written somewhere, have it stored away somewhere, so I can look back on it and really understand how far I've gotten. I will get through this, and I will smile. I will smile through it all, even if I don't want to. Positivity starts within oneself.
Instability is to be expected right now, but it can really only last so long.
At least I have a good understanding of what's going on. I can be independent and I can tell myself exactly what I need to hear. I won't tell myself that life doesn't go on, and that I need somebody to make me happy. It's a nice thought, but it's not the truth. Why lie to myself? Things WILL be ok.
Sure, I'm not feeling too great right now. It sucks to be alone and by myself, because I start crying. I feel like I'm losing hope, and I cannot do that. If I lose hope, I'm giving up on myself. Never will I give up on myself because I have no reason to. I have so much going for me. I am smart, pretty, and I have a kind heart. I have a wonderful family, and my friends are inferior to none. I failed myself in high school, so I put myself together on my own and got through community college to go to the top public university in the country.
I have never been more proud of myself than I was when I opened my application and it said congratulations. So what if I have a couple of unstable emotional breakdowns? Life fucking goes on. It's not all about the emotions. It's about the shit I can accomplish on my own, and how I go about doing everything.
I'm letting the world know I'm a broken fucking mess right now. Why not? I don't need pity or anything, but I like to have it written somewhere, have it stored away somewhere, so I can look back on it and really understand how far I've gotten. I will get through this, and I will smile. I will smile through it all, even if I don't want to. Positivity starts within oneself.
Instability is to be expected right now, but it can really only last so long.
life goes on.
Shit happens. That's how things are gonna be. That's fucking life. Life ain't meant to be easy, cus where's the fun in that right? We have emotions, senses and all these crazy things to keep our lives interesting. If you don't have negative feelings every now and then, how are you gonna know what's really good?
So yeah, I'm tryna put myself in a happy place. I deserve to be in a happy place. Just wasting my damn time crying and moping around.
"You're gonna get over it eventually, so get the fuck over it now and stop moping around being depressed and shit. You're just wasting your days." - AST.
The sadness and depression eventually fade away. The memory will be there, and that's probably the hardest thing to rid. Why rid good memories? I don't wanna forget. I want to be able to remember all the times I was happy. I do wanna forget all the negative things, but forgetting would probably trigger relapses.
Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is every moment and event is a learning opportunity. You find something you like, repeat it consistently and constantly. You find something you don't like, well, avoid it like the plague.
Learn from mistakes made in the past to build an ideal future.
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