sometimes everything just hurts too much, sometimes the feelings are just too intense.. i don't know what to do, i don't know what to say. i just need friends when it comes to times like this. i need to lay in someones bed and cry until i can't breathe or feel anything.
what do i do. i can't bring myself to mention it even though it's so important to me. i can't even figure it out and it's frustrating. i don't know what to do and i don't want to get out of bed but i can't stay down and let this eat me alive..
help.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
my corny ass feelings
sometimes i sit down and i think about everything that i'm feeling. i pause the music, i pause the shows and i just sort of sit there. sounds emo as fug, but whatever..
lately, it's been a whole mix of feelings. a plethora of them, if i may. it's been a bit overwhelming, and even slightly unbearable to be completely honest. it's not that they're complicated feelings, it's also that they're all so different and significant in their own little ways. some positive, some negative, some neutral, some just fucking crazy. what to doooo?
let's start with the bad. the bad feelings are the ones where i just want to give up. the ones that make me feel helpless, useless and, lets be honest, useless. now these are apparent only sometimes. i don't always feel these bad ones. hell, some days go by and i don't feel them at all. when they do decide to hit, however, it is truly a sour feeling. it is horrible. it's a bullet right through the heart, and it's acid melting my stomach. now, i understand that there are worse things in life; but sometimes emotions are so unbearable. i hate the bad feelings, but hey, who wouldn't?
the bad feelings are horrible when they have regards to my relationship. it's been so rocky lately, and it's just been a crazy and intense roller coaster ride. this one wasn't a thriller, i'll say that. halfway into it, i was ready to get off. i was begging to get off the ride, even though it wasn't what i wanted at all. the bad feelings completely consumed me, and i just had no way of finding a way to cope. i just didn't know what to do. every little thing was driving me crazy, and the hurt was penetrating through everything. the hurt was becoming too much for me to handle. now, i didn't think it through. of course, i don't sit around thinking about when i'm going to leave my relationship. but everything was still fresh. everything still had to run its course. i was looking for a way out. i was scared.
well, i didn't get off the ride. i didn't let it all go. i didn't try to convince myself that the last four months of my life was not meaningful at all. instead, i thought about my feelings a little more. i thought hard and i focused all my energy into deciphering my actual feelings. now what was it that i felt? what was it that i was feeling? why did i want to leave, but at the same time stay? was it cus i was a little bitch? of course. that's exactly how i was acting. i did take into account his feelings, but i underestimated his devotion towards the relationship. and that's when i was certain of one thing. that's when i realized that he was someone special, and worthwhile.
that.. is when i realized that i love him. it's a complicated feeling. it's hard to explain, nearly impossible to explain if i were to be asked what is love. anyways, lezbehonest, i can't quite put into words what i feel for him. i wish i could, because i want to. i want to be able to express what i feel in words, it's what i do best. so for me to be unable to express my emotions... i feel so lost.
the feeling passes though, the one of lostness. the feeling passes, and everything feels okay, because i know what i feel for him. i know that what i feel is strong enough to be classified as love. i know that everyone has a different definition of love, and everyone experiences love in a different manner. that's probably why it's so hard to figure out. many emotions are explicitly defined. they have those charts for people with the smiley faces that represent each emotion.
love? is it an emotion? is it just this gut feeling that people get? it's so hard to tell. i don't doubt myself though. i don't doubt myself for even a moment. i tell him that i love him, and i don't regret it. i won't take it back. there are many things that i question, that i doubt, and that i really just flat out don't know, but this isn't one of them. this is something so real in my heart, and i know that i won't be disappointed. sure, little shit happens sometimes, and it gets in my head; but i do need to realize that this guy loves me as i love him, and we work together to get past disputes for a happy future.
ok bye
lately, it's been a whole mix of feelings. a plethora of them, if i may. it's been a bit overwhelming, and even slightly unbearable to be completely honest. it's not that they're complicated feelings, it's also that they're all so different and significant in their own little ways. some positive, some negative, some neutral, some just fucking crazy. what to doooo?
let's start with the bad. the bad feelings are the ones where i just want to give up. the ones that make me feel helpless, useless and, lets be honest, useless. now these are apparent only sometimes. i don't always feel these bad ones. hell, some days go by and i don't feel them at all. when they do decide to hit, however, it is truly a sour feeling. it is horrible. it's a bullet right through the heart, and it's acid melting my stomach. now, i understand that there are worse things in life; but sometimes emotions are so unbearable. i hate the bad feelings, but hey, who wouldn't?
the bad feelings are horrible when they have regards to my relationship. it's been so rocky lately, and it's just been a crazy and intense roller coaster ride. this one wasn't a thriller, i'll say that. halfway into it, i was ready to get off. i was begging to get off the ride, even though it wasn't what i wanted at all. the bad feelings completely consumed me, and i just had no way of finding a way to cope. i just didn't know what to do. every little thing was driving me crazy, and the hurt was penetrating through everything. the hurt was becoming too much for me to handle. now, i didn't think it through. of course, i don't sit around thinking about when i'm going to leave my relationship. but everything was still fresh. everything still had to run its course. i was looking for a way out. i was scared.
well, i didn't get off the ride. i didn't let it all go. i didn't try to convince myself that the last four months of my life was not meaningful at all. instead, i thought about my feelings a little more. i thought hard and i focused all my energy into deciphering my actual feelings. now what was it that i felt? what was it that i was feeling? why did i want to leave, but at the same time stay? was it cus i was a little bitch? of course. that's exactly how i was acting. i did take into account his feelings, but i underestimated his devotion towards the relationship. and that's when i was certain of one thing. that's when i realized that he was someone special, and worthwhile.
that.. is when i realized that i love him. it's a complicated feeling. it's hard to explain, nearly impossible to explain if i were to be asked what is love. anyways, lezbehonest, i can't quite put into words what i feel for him. i wish i could, because i want to. i want to be able to express what i feel in words, it's what i do best. so for me to be unable to express my emotions... i feel so lost.
the feeling passes though, the one of lostness. the feeling passes, and everything feels okay, because i know what i feel for him. i know that what i feel is strong enough to be classified as love. i know that everyone has a different definition of love, and everyone experiences love in a different manner. that's probably why it's so hard to figure out. many emotions are explicitly defined. they have those charts for people with the smiley faces that represent each emotion.
love? is it an emotion? is it just this gut feeling that people get? it's so hard to tell. i don't doubt myself though. i don't doubt myself for even a moment. i tell him that i love him, and i don't regret it. i won't take it back. there are many things that i question, that i doubt, and that i really just flat out don't know, but this isn't one of them. this is something so real in my heart, and i know that i won't be disappointed. sure, little shit happens sometimes, and it gets in my head; but i do need to realize that this guy loves me as i love him, and we work together to get past disputes for a happy future.
ok bye
Thursday, February 9, 2012
aswerfvhuijkm,lp
do what you want.. clearly it's never fucking up to me anyways. regardless of how much i say something, it eventually gets ignored. so why bother? why not just stay quiet? i'm happy, but sometimes i seriously just take a good look at shit and say really?
it's times like this i have no idea what to do, or what to say because shit has already been said. i'm not one to repeat myself over and over again because that's just straight up wasted effort. why bother..
anyways. i'm getting ready to go to work. kinda. slept pretty well last night. woke up a couple times but meh. got a looot of sleep which makes me pretty happy, but makes me more tired in the morning :( hopefully i'm not too tired at work today. bah, gotta work with my manager today though.. so irritating. w/e my coworkers will keep me entertained:)
gonna get ready now i guessss
bYE
it's times like this i have no idea what to do, or what to say because shit has already been said. i'm not one to repeat myself over and over again because that's just straight up wasted effort. why bother..
anyways. i'm getting ready to go to work. kinda. slept pretty well last night. woke up a couple times but meh. got a looot of sleep which makes me pretty happy, but makes me more tired in the morning :( hopefully i'm not too tired at work today. bah, gotta work with my manager today though.. so irritating. w/e my coworkers will keep me entertained:)
gonna get ready now i guessss
bYE
Sunday, February 5, 2012
20 min before work :(
I go to work super early on Sundays cus parking is free, and its always packed as hell. But today I found parking in like 5 minutes. Didn't even have to circle or anything. I'm not even at a meter space, just residential parking. Prettttty happy cus this way I don't have to worry bout my car getting scratched in those cramped spaces.. :}
I miss my boooboo. I hate when we fight and argue, but even when I'm upset with him I always find myself missing him. He makes everything better. I always think about how crazy it is that somehow we ended up together. We were both each others first "relationships", and 7 years later we get together again. Lool. Its cute. I always play with him and tell him that on 2/13, I'm just gonna go ahead and say happy 7 years. :} 10/13/11 & 2/13/05 LOLOL omfg I am heeeeelarius.
Why the fuck do people keep double parking like right next to my car...... its so weird. Ah fuck I have to sneeze but I can't. Worst feeling in the world.
Hmm what did I do yesterday.. orite, I went to costco & stonestown in the morning with my mom. Omfg the guy at orogold was tryna sell us this shit that was clearly not worth as much money as he was saying. Stupid as fug. He was nice in the beginning but he just got too fucking annoying...
After stonestown, we went to costco and I got socks :} and she bought cookies I think. I also got a hot dog. And my mom said she didn't want any food so I didn't get her anything but while I was driving us home, she ate like half my hot dog!!! -__- I was like vhaaattheheeelllllll. Anyho0..went home and unloaded my car and cleaned it out a lilbittt.
Then babe came to pick me up and we went to my work to get food. Got wf too :) then went to the bank and his house. We ordered way too much food as usual.. boohoo :( we cuddled and watched tv for a while. TI & Tiny! <3 I love that show now for some reason. Maybe its cus I never really get to watch tv unless I'm at his house hahaha.
Then he dropped me off at home so I could get some stuff. And I drove me to dinner with my family. Omfg took me 20 min to find parking and I still ended up parking hella far.... :( I was hella late to dinner but nbd, wasn't too hungry anyways. My mom ate 5 bowls of rice because she is crazy.. -__-
Afterwards I went to pick up Alvin from starbucks. I made him go home to get me a sweater cus I cleaned out my car and didn't have any :( we decided to go to sm to go shopping at hillsdale! It was only 740, and he checked that it closed at 9. But there was HELLLLLLLLLLLA traffic on park presidio for some reason and we ended up stuck there for like 20 min, then we got to hillsdale at 830, and I got a jacket from hollister with his discount :} and also a jacket from f21. Its so cute, so I'm super happy <3. Heheeee! I need more jackets with hoods so yea..
After that we went to jacks prime to get take out. Boo & his friends were there. Chilled in the parking lot to wait for food, then went to dessert republic. Mmmm that pink lady dssert was YUUUM! & we had eggettes too haha. He ate his burger there but his fries were soggy.. booo. The fries from jacks prime are prettty good! Then we just chilled for a while and talked.
Headed home and talked to babe on the phone/aim til he went to sleep... time to go to work :( boooo.
Byyeeee
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